Breaking Taboo: Parent’s Worst Nightmare, Child’s Near-Fatal Decision
Early mornings and late nights on the farm have provided Todd and Kim Caldwell with the unique opportunity to spend quality time with their children. The extra work required to raise and show livestock keeps the family of five busy together.
That’s why Kim Caldwell was caught completely off guard when her oldest daughter, Maddison, attempted suicide on Dec. 19, 2019.
“We felt like we were spending all this time with our kids and yet we were missing something with Maddison,” Kim says.
From day one, Maddison was the stereotypical first child. She excelled. She followed rules. For her, life was black and white. Until it wasn’t.
“I have always said that she is my child that sees no gray,” Kim says. “But as she got older and things became less black and white, she struggled at what to do.”
The Red Flags
Looking back, Kim admits it’s easier to see the red flags in retrospect. The anxiety over making major life decisions. The fear of making a wrong decision. But those are also pretty normal reactions for a lot of kids.
The road to recovery has not been an easy or straight path for Maddison or the family, Kim adds.
“I think it just goes back to the overall stigma around mental health. It’s a taboo subject – nobody wants to talk about it,” she says. “Looking back, when you're in the moment and all this stuff is going on, you're just praying that your child gets better. You believe the help you're getting from all these external resources is exactly what your child needs.”
She wanted to see healing. She wanted everything to be better. So when Maddison attempted suicide for the second time on April 1, 2020, Kim says it blew her away.
A Different Dynamic
It’s hard to process why Maddison made the decisions she did, Kim says. Especially when it’s something Maddison herself has struggled to understand.
“How do you get to that point?” Kim says. “I couldn’t imagine leaving the earth any sooner than I have to. Maddie said to me not too long ago, ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you and Dad.’ And I said, ‘That’s funny, I don’t know what I would do without you.’ In her mind, she really thought life would be better off without her.”
As a family, the Caldwells communicate better because of what they’ve been through. They talk about things that maybe they wouldn’t have before, Kim adds. They have embraced Facetiming. They pay more attention to the little things than they used to. Words are more carefully chosen.
Mental health is no longer a taboo subject for the Caldwell family (pictured l to r Olivia, Maddison and Cole). Photo by Katelyn Turner Photography.
“Everyone internalizes and takes things differently. I need to choose the things I say wisely because you don’t know how it will affect anyone else,” she says.
They both admit that they still carry fear – fear of the what-ifs and the why-nots.
“Not a day goes by that I don’t get up in the morning and think, ‘I hope I don’t get a call today,’” Todd says. “A friend asked me if I thought that fear would ever go away. I don’t think it ever will.”
Friends and Faith
This is not a journey the Caldwells want to see anyone take. Friends and faith have been crucial along the way. Kim says it’s been helpful to spend time with a friend who also has a daughter who attempted suicide when she was younger.
“We talk a lot about feelings. She talks about things with her daughter, and I talk about things with Maddie that are very therapeutic to me. Tragedy can bring people closer together," Kim says. "I don’t go to a counselor, but I go to my doctor who is a friend of mine, and we talk about anxiety and feelings. I have a lot of places to talk, and I think that’s important.”
She also has room to grow and learn, she adds.
“It’s made my faith stronger," she says. "I ask God every day for guidance, to say the right things, to do the right things. Like anyone else, there are days I feel like ‘Oh, He helped me through that one and days where I feel like I fumbled through.’”
After Maddison's first attempt at suicide, Maddison and her sister Olivia got semicolon tattoos with Todd and Kim. The semicolon is a symbol for suicide prevention. Photo provided by the Caldwell family.
As Todd looks back on this time, he’s grateful for his friends who reached out – even if it was after the fact – to apologize that they hadn’t reached out sooner because they didn’t know what to say.
“I appreciated that,” Todd says. “I don’t handle things like this well. What do you say to someone who’s been through this? There’s nothing anyone could have said that would have made me feel better or feel like a better parent.”
Todd chooses to look at others’ responses to Maddison’s suicide attempts with more grace and less judgment.
“I try to stand up for those who walked away from us because maybe I’d be the same way,” Todd says. “You just can’t prepare for how to respond to something like this.”
Kim couldn’t agree more.
“So many things in life happen for a reason. Do I always understand? No. Maybe some things you will never understand, but I do try to find a positive in all things,” Kim says.
A closer family is one thing they have gained.
“It’s caused us to stop and say, ‘Is this something we need to explore further or was it just something that caused you to have a bad day?’ Maybe we were missing that,” Kim says. “There will never be a rulebook that says this is why and this is what you were supposed to learn from it. We just have to do the best we can.”
Read Maddison's story on Farm Journal's PORK.
Editor’s Note:
Suicide is a growing public health problem that affects all ages. Suicide is preventable and everyone has a role to play to save lives and create healthy and strong individuals, families and communities. You can find numerous online resources on how to prevent suicide from the CDC or by calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
January is Mental Health Wellness Month. By focusing every day on improving mental wellness, you can increase resilience, help manage stress and build your overall sense of well-being. Find out how to recognize the warning signs of stress, practical ways to deal with tough times and 3 tips to get your health on track in Farm Journal’s PORK’s e-book, “Your Guide to Mental Health.”
