John Phipps: Aghast at Christmas Future
I heard the door of my shop open. For a moment I tried to remember what I was doing there anyway. A guy walked in wearing blue jeans and a cool flannel shirt.
“Hi, you’ve probably been expecting me. I’m the Guest of Christmas Future,” he announced brightly.
“Not really,” I replied.
CYNICAL ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
He frowned briefly and glanced at a watch that went halfway up his arm. “Not to argue,” he said, “but my readouts show you’re John Phillips, you’re asleep, you’ve become cynical about Christmas, and our staff from Past and Present have already visited you.”
“Phillips – I get that all the time, but it’s Phipps,” I sighed. “You’re late for another guy’s dream”
“Oops, sorry, I’ll be goi—”
“Wait,” I interrupted, “Hey, you woke me up, so how about sharing a few hints of Christmas Future?”
“Do we still have Christmas trees?”
“Sure, but genetic botanists have bred the lights into the actual branches. They are remarkably cheap and eliminated untangling, but it took a while and some nasty shocks for folks to adjust from cut-your-own to unplug-your-own.”
“What about Christmas music?”
“Oh yeah, and weirdly we’re still using the same songs from your childhood, although nobody alive has roasted a chestnut or can grasp how a one-horse sleigh works, what with no snow below about 11,000' anymore. Mostly it’s carolaoke, but with your favorite singer overvoicing you.”
“What about the Santa Claus thing?”
“You’d probably recognize it, especially if you took a Christmas Polar Cruise to see Santa’s legendary floating workshop.
We took the kids last year, but if you think Disney World is expensive…”
“Do people still give gifts?”
“Yes, but AI selects the perfect present. Returns and exchanges are over. Stats do show a decline in gift excitement, though.”
“Christmas cards?”
“Our rep from the Present would have explained, but isn’t that answer obvious? I’ll just say when the post office merged with UPS to form the USPSUPS the model for cards became unviable, as they say.”
“But what about the significance of Christmas? Does it survive?”
He seemed surprised. “An odd question after two millennia of Christmases in your own time. Of course, it does, and just like now, everyone is certain that they alone understand the True Meaning. I really gotta go now, Phillips. Have a …wait, you’re probably not ready for the standard Christmas saying of the future.”
