In the stock show world, Madison Caldwell was the blueprint of a firstborn overachiever: disciplined, organized and a perfectionist. But while she thrived in the black-and-white rules of life, the “gray areas” nearly cost her everything.
In college, she took a mandatory psychology class and realized she related to many of the topics they talked about. Caldwell sought help from her primary care physician, not knowing at the time that specialists existed for what she was feeling.
After months of increasing dosages, she reached a medical ceiling. When her doctor told her it was the maximum dose and ‘sent her on her way,’ she felt she had run out of options. Within five months, she attempted to end her life twice.
Private Pain to Public Hope
When she shared her personal battle in January 2022, her story stopped being just hers. It became a shared common ground for others fighting silent battles.
“As soon as the article came out, it was like the floodgates opened,” she says. “All of a sudden, complete strangers – even people who weren’t involved with agriculture – of all ages from across the country reached out.”
Although it wasn’t easy to have the most painful moments of her life become table conversation, she doesn’t regret the decision to share it with others.
“This story came out right around the time I was starting my career,” Caldwell says. “I was reporting to an executive at a large company, and one of his coworkers on the executive team asked him, ‘Have you Googled her?’”
She will never forget when he asked her about it and the conversation that followed.
“He was quite a bit older than I am, and from a generation that didn’t talk about these things,” Caldwell adds. “It was a really uncomfortable and really hard conversation.”
But she believes those conversations are more important than ever.
“Doing things like that bring us one step closer,” Caldwell says. “I hope I never lose the drive to keep being uncomfortable in order to help people.”
Redefining Grit in Agriculture
Agriculture is making progress when it comes to talking about mental health and recognizing the importance of conversation.
“I don’t think we are great at sitting in that uncomfortable state,” she says. “We want to fix it and move on, or minimize it, or work harder and stay busy doing anything that allows us to avoid facing the reality of it.”
She believes it’s time to redefine “grit” in agriculture.
“In my opinion, grit means being honest with ourselves,” Caldwell explains. “I think it means coming to the realization that we need to reach out for help sometimes. It’s about the courage to be vulnerable.”
She also challenges the industry to stop equating grit with silence.
“You cannot pour from an empty cup,” she warns.
In an industry that prizes working until the job is done, Caldwell says the ultimate display of grit is the courage to admit when you’re running on empty.
Warning Signs
With one in five U.S. adults facing mental health conditions and one in five high school students considering suicide, Caldwell isn’t shy about offering advice now.
“One of the things I did was bury myself in work, in being productive, in not taking any time to just stop and ‘smell the roses,’” Caldwell says. “If you notice people withdrawing from activities that they would have once loved, pay attention. If they’re exhausted all the time, if they’re not talking as much, if they use the words ‘I’m fine’ all too often, or if they are pouring so much into other people at their own expense, those could be signs.”
Looking back, she admits it’s hard to recognize herself during those years. Her mindset is much different now. She challenges people to stop shying away from asking hard questions.
“People often think if you say the word suicide, it’s going to put that idea in someone’s mind,” Caldwell says. “Let me be clear that this thought was already in my head when I was struggling. I don’t know what would have happened if someone just blankly asked me if I was thinking about suicide, because that’s not something people talk about.”
Healing Is Not a Straight Line
Today, Caldwell lives by a quote she read early in her recovery process: “When we recover loudly, we keep others from dying quietly.”
“I will shout my story to the rooftops if it means that one person feels less alone in how they’re feeling,” she says.
Healing looks different for everyone, and everyone needs different tools, Caldwell explains. She compares it to going to Starbucks to get a cup of coffee and then realizing you don’t like it.
“Does it mean that you’re going to stop going to Starbucks altogether, or, even worse, stop drinking coffee altogether?” she says. “Absolutely not. Sometimes you just need to go to different places or add in a little sugar here and there based on personal preference. I feel like my healing journey is like that.”
Caldwell says the “gray areas” are still terrifying at times. But she’s learned that true bravery is figuring out how to thrive even when a clear plan isn’t visible. Healing hasn’t removed the stressors in her life, but it has increased her capacity to handle them.
The one thing that has changed in the past six years is her willingness to have uncomfortable conversations and ask hard questions. She is grateful for the family, friends and professionals that support her in doing this.
“Transparency looks different now,” she says. “I can text my mom to just say, ‘It’s not a good day today.’ That’s something I never would have done because I didn’t feel comfortable saying that.”
Stay Beyond the Crisis
Her message to farm families is simple: don’t just show up for the crisis; show up for the recovery.
“Stay to see them thrive,” Caldwell says. “Stay to hear people like my mom say that ‘the light has returned’ in their eyes.”
On the sixth anniversary of being alive after her last suicide attempt, Caldwell lit a candle and blew it out surrounded by her inner circle.
“As I looked around at the simplest of things, I was so grateful,” she says. “I was flooded with all the beautiful moments I have had since that time that I would have missed out on.”
Discover more about Caldwell’s journey – the challenges that would have wrecked her before, the most unexpected people who helped her recover and the joy she finds in her career today – by watching “The PORK Podcast” on YouTube or by listening to it anywhere podcasts are found.
No one has to struggle alone. If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available 24/7. Call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
